Nientezero on AO3  all other information redacted

penandinkprincess:

rockitcat:

penandinkprincess:

it obviously makes sense, but one of my friend’s kids is going into swim class, and all the parents got an email today going, “when little ones are scared, they cling on to instructors. PLEASE trim their nails.” 

i don’t know why that’s so funny to me, but just. the idea of this poor, scratched swim instructor having to make sure to email before each class as a reminder to please declaw the children SENT me. 

When I taught swim lessons I remember trying to delicately ask parents not to cover their child in shea/coconut/olive oil before lessons.

“I understand your skincare regimen and wanting to protect their tender baby flesh from the pool chemicals, but COULD YOU NOT OIL YOUR CHILD LIKE A GREASED PIG before tossing them in the POOL? Thanks EVER so much!”

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@nakimochiku i CACKLED

i-wear-the-cheese:

shesnake:

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Let me tell you, there’s a queer club night in the UK called Gal Pals that caters exclusively to queer women and NBs and only plays music by women and when It’s Raining Men came on last time you’d have thought the crowd was full of middle aged housewives. A banger is a banger is a banger, you just gotta let the music go innit

teaboot:

feral-bookwoom:

teaboot:

If I can recommend you do 1 low-effort thing for the love of God it is this:

Keep 5 cards in your pocket. One will say “yes”, the second will say “no.”

If you lose your voice, or lose speech, or want to make a dramatic embellishment at the right time, it is an elegant and efficient solution that is right there at hand.

But what if people question you from there? “Why do you have that card? Why would you do this? How long have you had that in your pocket?” For this, or whatever else they say, the third card: “I don’t have a card for that.”

“What the fuck,” they ask. They laugh. They are bemused. You bring the energy back down with the fourth card: “I have laryngitis. I’ve lost speech. My throat hurts”. Whatever you expect to occur.

The joke is over. Rule of threes. Now they are curious. YThey wonder about logistics. “How did you know I would say that? Is everyone so predictable?”

As a three-part bit, nobody ever sees the fifth card coming.

“I have powerful wizard magics.”

Gets them every time

On it boss!!

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[id: a set of 5 UNO cards upon which has been written, “Yes”, “no”, “I don’t have a card for that”, “can’t talk right now 😢”, and “I have powerful wizard magics 🙂”. End id]

shutyourmoustache:

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Not even remotely kidding when I say that if you don’t fuck with the LGBTQIA+ community, I do not and will not fuck with you. Big ass love to all the queer folks out there. If you’re on my blog, you’re in a safe place.

Sometimes I see posts about “you don’t want to be rich you just want to live freely and comfortably”

And like

sure

But I also want to be able to pay someone a living wage to be my sandwich-valet. On call and stocked with groceries to rustle up a flock of tempting little sandwiches at any time.

I have big dreams, ok?

mellowunknownsoul:

teathattast:

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According to ‘The Meaning of Liff’ by Douglas Adams and John Lloyd, this is 'Kenting’

From the book:

Kent (adj): politely determined not to help despite a violent urge to the contrary. Kent expressions are seen on the faces of people who are good at something watching someone else who can’t do it at all.

Adams, D., and Lloyd, J. (1983) 'The Meaning of Liff’ Pan books, London

There are many wonderful words and definitions in that book; this is one that has stuck and has regular use in my family.

lithiumseven:

My favorite characterization of Legolas is when he’s incredibly skilled and adept and fast, but also he’s a complete idiot. Just dumb as hell.

He can sneak up on anyone, ride any animal you place in front of him, and make a triple Robinhood shot into the side of a mountain 90 meters away with his bow behind his back. But he also laughed himself silly when Merry suggested they make tea in a bowl they found because “you can’t make tea without a teapot Merry it won’t work!” and if you cover his eyes he falls asleep like a parrot

rawrda:

This is your daily reminder to not be ashamed of making your life easy for yourself.

Cut your food into small pieces, make the font size 30 on your e book, use straws to drink, get a pen that’s comfortable to hold, take more naps, walk slowly, eat another cookie, buy velcro shoes, re-watch the part you couldn’t understand the first time, write things on your hands so you don’t forget it… whatever you want and/or need

Don’t let anyone tell you how you should be doing things. We don’t need to prove each other anything

ignescent:

endreal:

loki-zen:

mattibee:

mattibee:

God invented winter so girls could exchange body heat

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Mushrooms made an arrangement with God to do what he was unwilling to accept responsibility for and this promise made Lucifer so angry he abandoned his throne in jealousy.

Spring happened all on its own, as the world became curious and reached for the sun.